We have all come to pass......

I'm moved to speak about death, grief, and the grieving process. I wanted to speak to it because as some know, our Western culture still overall considers this very real and present topic of collective human experience, as taboo. 

In my mind and heart, I find this cultural taboo quite unfortunate to deal within because I am not the type of person to pretend I am not affected, nor one to attempt to shut my feelings off for the accommodation of others. I mean how could we not be affected by death? How can some pretend one of the hugest things that happens in their lives almost not be noticed or somehow not be allowed a voice? I don't buy it. 

Key word: Pretend, a.k.a Denial.

But what I do know in my studies and personal experience with death and the grief path, is that until we can truly give full permission and be not only with our own grief but those of others as well, we will in fact be continually stunting and feel a missing of a whole huge and beautiful aspect of our own soul, as well as an authentic, vulnerable, real connection with others. That's no fun at all now is it??

So let's break this down some more, and in doing so, let's also just tell the truth shall we? 

First off, generally people don't want to think or talk about death, nor do most people want to feel anything that reminds them of their own mortality. I totally get that....it can be freaky, weird, trippy, and scary to ponder, because it is one of the absolute unknowns and that, in and of itself, puts most people right over the edge. Welcome to being totally out of control! But, in my opinion, we are in fact meant to grapple with this very "out of control-ness" during our existence here as human in physical forms so we can learn to surrender. And should we learn that surrendering good and well, the very last and final surrender, which is death of our bodies themselves, might be a more familiar and natural experience. 

Truth: Death will and does happen. It just does. So what are we going to do with that information? 

And in that questioning, it's unfortunate that the thing that often times is the most confusing and mystifying and unknown in us, for most it cannot be something that we can allow ourselves even a daily or monthly space to reckon with. My feeling is that we need to do this so as to begin to understand who and why we are. Just give this temporal knowing a solid space to be heard, even if it's painful and frightening. 

And besides that, it's unfortunate when we simply assume and hope that there will automatically be receptivity from, and refuge with others to embrace us in our grief and suddenly find that is not always true and at times is just not going to happen. We can feel so lonely in our grief at times, even around the closest people to us. Some say it is a path we walk alone, which in some ways it is, but we need also to reckon with the fact that yes, it likely makes others whom are not directly dealing with grieving a death 'uncomfortable' to have to even look at or open themselves to feel the above noted facts. As a culture we are "scared to death" to acknowledge death. 

Note: We need to give ourselves and others this honest space of refuge and embrace. 

A small story example: I don't know if you experienced this in your family as a child, but I recall at age 10 or 11 a close family friend passed away and I wasn't directly told by my parents or any adult for that matter. It was a feeling of a deep off limits secret that was floating around, and there was just a heavy sorrow around the 'adults' that had no vocal explanation to it. Then I realized when we visited, that she was never there again. But she had been there all my life until then, and I loved her and missed her, so I was perplexed. In my child's mind/heart she literally disappeared forever. Poof! Confusing to say the least, And what was I to do with that sadness and confusion if there was no space and it was off limits to voice it?

For a child, that secret feeling shit floating around is viscerally obvious. But no one would just say she died, and that no one really knows where she went, but she wasn't coming back. If that had just been spoken then maybe we could have asked our innocent child questions, and maybe we would all have a good missing cry for her, and hopefully from that bond of collective loss we could have moved on together. That would have been honest and real, which is most children's set-point,

And in retrospect the adults were the ones that couldn't deal with the loss and grief, and the kids then had to linger in the confusion of unspoken sorrow. There is no fault in that, as adults are just as confused about it all, but there might have been a better way. The way of truth telling even if we as larger children don't know the answers. Because we don't know the answers. But we can comfort our children because loss and grief is universal no matter what age you are,

Note: We need to talk about death with children as it arrives even if it frightens us. We, as "big people", have to hold the line of truth for them. 

Then there's just the question of what is ok to feel and not ok to feel in our culture/society. Why in all of gods green earth would we be given tears if we weren't supposed to use them well? I am not encouraging a long life of being stuck in sadness and grief, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that shedding the tears only helps us to feel more of the love. The love of the one we are grieving. The love of our own self and the compassion for the tender fragility of our own hearts. The love of this life that we all know deep within is a simple "hello, and then a gentle goodbye." 
Note: We will have to say goodbye no matter what.

I say let's come together and speak to it all. I say let's stop attempting to convince ourselves we are alone in our grief. I say if we know someone is grieving that we reach out......and then reach out again...... like it is not only their grief, but our own as well and the reaching towards is a bridge that heals the loneliness that comes with loss. Let's continue to learn from other cultures that honor this process and are more willing to admit that we are truly here for a moment and we love others deeply for that moment, and when we have to let go of another because they have died, that we are surrounded in a full circle of acknowledgement and support. 

Truth be told, we are meant to grieve together. We are already silently doing so. We are connected so closely and we are meant to witness one another in this so as to create a common connective balm. We are meant to go directly towards a broken heart, as uncomfortable it might be, because it is our heart as well, And we are meant to bring our courage, vulnerability, and presence, even if we "don't know what to say." Most times words are not what is needed, it's more about the allowing that voice of the grieving one to share with us their words......or more importantly their tears of sacred love. 

Note: We are all in this mystery  together. We have all come to pass.