365 days have passed. An 'opened' letter to my sister Rebecca

 Dearest Sister Rebecca,

 Ah yes, I remember this day just a year ago today. I remember it so very well. It's carved deeply into my soul and it will always be there each time the cycle of time and dates repeat. It was one of the most difficult days I have ever experienced in my life, and likely the most peaceful you had experienced after all of this life business! You did it so well, the living, the dying. And there's no way I don't miss you. But I'll share some of what I have been wanting to write to you over this time, because as we both know, writing is our sacred space with one another. As sisters. 

I was at moms the other day and I was walking down the hallway and all of a sudden I smelled you. It was totally unmistakable. It was like you were standing or walking next to me right there and I thought, "That's Beck!". It's one of those things I think we maybe don't notice so much when we are around someone, the specific scent of them. The one that is only theirs when they are walking the earth. And maybe when they pass, and when suddenly that scent returns out of 'nowhere', it is so visceral and real we cannot deny it. And then, like such things do, the memories of the connection you had with them become triggered and surface, which they did for me in moms hallway. 

In that moment, it was both comforting and a deep pang of missing you all at once. I was going to ask mom if she had something of yours in one of the rooms off the hall, but I decided not to so I could just stay with the mystery of it all. So, I just stood there in the frozen moment of my love for you. Surrounded by the scent of my sister,

It's not easy at times you not being here. I still fall into a dizzy haze of disorientation at all that we went through in 2015. I've wanted to call you 1,000 times and just talk it out and sort it out and cry it out with you, since you were there, and we were so fully in it together. All in. I don't quite know when that will all heal, or maybe it's not meant to totally, but I know it has taken it's sweet time and will continue to change in me as I can find space to let the truth that you're gone in a slice at a time.

I have faith that I will continue to find the joys among the dark. I know you would and do encourage me to continue to live.....and I am beginning to do so again in the ways that feel good and right and where my feet find steady ground. But please let me flash back, if just for a moment because I feel you here, and I know you are reading as I write and I still so want to share something of this remembering with you......

Remember you, me, Alexander, mom. Kat, Joel, Kevin. Dolan,, Annie, David, Cheri and all the other family and friends in the surrounding circle that walked with us and held us all so close? Remember the fucking insane immediacy of trying to hold on so close and navigate at the same time through the most turbulent of waters? Remember that first night at the Kabuki when we finally got Alexander to CMPC? 

 You the most stunning, strong, courageous mother. I know you kept your boy alive with your pure momma love, and I think also along with those bright colored Popsicles we fed him hour by hour. Remember that same night you drew that hotter than hot bath you took at 1am in the deep Japanese tub with your bath salts and the scrubbing cloth you brought with you knowing you'd need it? I remember the steam falling out into the room and fogging the sliding doors on our 12th floor room. I was watching some blaring TV show that filled my mind with the much needed numbness. We stood on the balcony, looking out to the Japantown square, the SF night buzzing and you and I in silence. 

Even these long 365 days later, those memories still surface first, soon after the memory of the actual day you left. It's like the time-line and the memories still start with the end and then go backwards from that, and then maybe at some point begins to drift into the times before that year. It's a strange sensation to keep going over the recent past, and not being able to enter into the past-past which is where the perhaps "happier" times might live. 

 Please know, I am so totally grateful that I was able to be there within that time, and I don't regret one moment spent. It was real, raw, pure life.... and life at it's depth. Happy times or not, what I do know now is that there was more love happening in all that than any I have ever experienced before or since. I will always remember. The love remains. Our love is alive and living. 

And then I roll back into my childhood with you. You washing my hair on a Saturday morning, in the kitchen sink, when I was six years old, on Sea Wolf Drive in Santa Rosa. You were probably made you do it as a Saturday morning chore, but it was our time, big sister to little sister, and I think we both knew our true connection. I realize now how you always took care of me, and I felt your love among the larger teen aged challenges you had within the family being the oldest sibling. You playing The Beatles loud from your teen aged room. It was 1976. I only wished we had been closer in age and shared more music together. But I still love the St, Pepper album which I attribute to your influence! 

Flash forward 1982. You're now living in Japan and you've essentially escaped the confines of the family. It was well timed for you. You needed your freedom. I 10 or so, receiving letters from you from across the sea with small origami folded in the middle of the fine Japanese paper and tiny animal stickers on the envelope. You knew how to reach me. I loved you telling me of your time there, and I imagined you living a life of adventures and freedom. You loved that culture, and I imagined you fit in so well with your gentle ways and your attention to details. And you also told me you "danced" there. As I child I did not know what kind of dancing you did, but as I learned later you seemed to have swooned the US and Japanese sailors with your fluid moves and likely made more money than you would have here! 

1987. You're 28 now, I'm 16. You returned from Japan and moved into dads apartment and you had come home pregnant with Alexander. You met his father Alan in the Philippines and fell in love. He was a musician, you met him in a club, and you were head over heals. Alan was an island man and he was beautiful. But he stayed behind on his island and your son met him only once as a infant when you returned to visit. You asked me to be your birth coach and even though I smoked a lot of weed and I liked to party with my friends, you trusted me as his auntie, and we did the birthing classes together. I took it very seriously. So when the word came on that afternoon that you were in labor and I had to leave school to come help you breathe, Alexander arrived quickly after I got to the hospital on the late afternoon of Nov 7th, 1988. 

That I know was your happiest day, and the most amazingly beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. The boy. I remember spending weekends at dads with Kevin, Kat and Joel all helping take care of him. I loved taking care of him, and all the time we spent just hanging with the wee one. At some point you got back on your feet and were ready and moved out of the apartment, but I know that time was a true moment of family togetherness and Alexander being the light in our lives. 

1999. It was pouring with rain one night and I remember calling you and asking you if I could come and stay with you and Alexander. I had broken up with my girlfriend and I was a total wreck. You without a blink drove out to Sebastopol and picked me up no questions asked. You helped me breathe during that time until I could get back on my feet. I will always remember that generosity and your love for me.

2015. Late September. We sat outside in the courtyard under the redwoods at Memorial Hospital, Alexander was up in his bed on the 5th floor, and we took a break and went outside for a heart to heart. You told me you were "ready" to go. Ready to die. Ready to leave the Earth. You shared your dream you had a few nights before, and I listened. It was of you, out in space, floating, looking back at the Earth. You had dads navy sword in your hand. I asked you what you thought that dream message was about, and you said that you didn't feel scared floating out there, and that dads sword was your protection. I asked you if you were going to miss the Earth, and you said yes, the beauty of it, and the people you loved, but not so much of the bad things that were happening on and with the planet. I asked you if you would promise to send me messages from wherever you were after you left, and you said yes, you would. I said I was going to miss you so much, We started crying with one another. We held one another for awhile, just the beginning of saying goodbye. And you have sent the promised messages...and I will continue to look for and notice them.

 ........And suddenly like that first memory in the hallway, I have just returned to this day this hour a year ago. It's 4:55 as I write this and you left your body for good at 5:13 Dec 30th, 2015. I had just left the house where you were taking your last long breaths. I put my hand to your heart and told you I loved you forever. Joel arrived, Dolan was pacing the room. I left at 4:15 and went to the movies with Annie. We sat down with our popcorn and I got the call right as the movie started that you had just passed. I remember the shock that hit me, (it never doesn't hit like a thousand waves at once), and then that release that flooded through my body knowing you were finally free. It was not an escape this time though. It was simply your time to breathe again. 

 I sit here with these memories all fully surfaced now and feel more of them awakening. It's good, and I am grateful that they have because I was not so sure where they have been hiding. You, my sister, have brought them alive again in me today, a day I will always remember too. I know you have walked with me through them again as well. Such a full and wondrous life huh? One moment after the other with the connections we make with one another being what remains most alive within us. We shall continue. 

Wherever you are Beck, I know you know we will meet again beloved sister......When it's my time to join you. But until then, I will keep hearing your whisper in my ear "It's ok baby girl.....it's all ok."

With Eternal Love.

Your little sister Molly

We have all come to pass......

I'm moved to speak about death, grief, and the grieving process. I wanted to speak to it because as some know, our Western culture still overall considers this very real and present topic of collective human experience, as taboo. 

In my mind and heart, I find this cultural taboo quite unfortunate to deal within because I am not the type of person to pretend I am not affected, nor one to attempt to shut my feelings off for the accommodation of others. I mean how could we not be affected by death? How can some pretend one of the hugest things that happens in their lives almost not be noticed or somehow not be allowed a voice? I don't buy it. 

Key word: Pretend, a.k.a Denial.

But what I do know in my studies and personal experience with death and the grief path, is that until we can truly give full permission and be not only with our own grief but those of others as well, we will in fact be continually stunting and feel a missing of a whole huge and beautiful aspect of our own soul, as well as an authentic, vulnerable, real connection with others. That's no fun at all now is it??

So let's break this down some more, and in doing so, let's also just tell the truth shall we? 

First off, generally people don't want to think or talk about death, nor do most people want to feel anything that reminds them of their own mortality. I totally get that....it can be freaky, weird, trippy, and scary to ponder, because it is one of the absolute unknowns and that, in and of itself, puts most people right over the edge. Welcome to being totally out of control! But, in my opinion, we are in fact meant to grapple with this very "out of control-ness" during our existence here as human in physical forms so we can learn to surrender. And should we learn that surrendering good and well, the very last and final surrender, which is death of our bodies themselves, might be a more familiar and natural experience. 

Truth: Death will and does happen. It just does. So what are we going to do with that information? 

And in that questioning, it's unfortunate that the thing that often times is the most confusing and mystifying and unknown in us, for most it cannot be something that we can allow ourselves even a daily or monthly space to reckon with. My feeling is that we need to do this so as to begin to understand who and why we are. Just give this temporal knowing a solid space to be heard, even if it's painful and frightening. 

And besides that, it's unfortunate when we simply assume and hope that there will automatically be receptivity from, and refuge with others to embrace us in our grief and suddenly find that is not always true and at times is just not going to happen. We can feel so lonely in our grief at times, even around the closest people to us. Some say it is a path we walk alone, which in some ways it is, but we need also to reckon with the fact that yes, it likely makes others whom are not directly dealing with grieving a death 'uncomfortable' to have to even look at or open themselves to feel the above noted facts. As a culture we are "scared to death" to acknowledge death. 

Note: We need to give ourselves and others this honest space of refuge and embrace. 

A small story example: I don't know if you experienced this in your family as a child, but I recall at age 10 or 11 a close family friend passed away and I wasn't directly told by my parents or any adult for that matter. It was a feeling of a deep off limits secret that was floating around, and there was just a heavy sorrow around the 'adults' that had no vocal explanation to it. Then I realized when we visited, that she was never there again. But she had been there all my life until then, and I loved her and missed her, so I was perplexed. In my child's mind/heart she literally disappeared forever. Poof! Confusing to say the least, And what was I to do with that sadness and confusion if there was no space and it was off limits to voice it?

For a child, that secret feeling shit floating around is viscerally obvious. But no one would just say she died, and that no one really knows where she went, but she wasn't coming back. If that had just been spoken then maybe we could have asked our innocent child questions, and maybe we would all have a good missing cry for her, and hopefully from that bond of collective loss we could have moved on together. That would have been honest and real, which is most children's set-point,

And in retrospect the adults were the ones that couldn't deal with the loss and grief, and the kids then had to linger in the confusion of unspoken sorrow. There is no fault in that, as adults are just as confused about it all, but there might have been a better way. The way of truth telling even if we as larger children don't know the answers. Because we don't know the answers. But we can comfort our children because loss and grief is universal no matter what age you are,

Note: We need to talk about death with children as it arrives even if it frightens us. We, as "big people", have to hold the line of truth for them. 

Then there's just the question of what is ok to feel and not ok to feel in our culture/society. Why in all of gods green earth would we be given tears if we weren't supposed to use them well? I am not encouraging a long life of being stuck in sadness and grief, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that shedding the tears only helps us to feel more of the love. The love of the one we are grieving. The love of our own self and the compassion for the tender fragility of our own hearts. The love of this life that we all know deep within is a simple "hello, and then a gentle goodbye." 
Note: We will have to say goodbye no matter what.

I say let's come together and speak to it all. I say let's stop attempting to convince ourselves we are alone in our grief. I say if we know someone is grieving that we reach out......and then reach out again...... like it is not only their grief, but our own as well and the reaching towards is a bridge that heals the loneliness that comes with loss. Let's continue to learn from other cultures that honor this process and are more willing to admit that we are truly here for a moment and we love others deeply for that moment, and when we have to let go of another because they have died, that we are surrounded in a full circle of acknowledgement and support. 

Truth be told, we are meant to grieve together. We are already silently doing so. We are connected so closely and we are meant to witness one another in this so as to create a common connective balm. We are meant to go directly towards a broken heart, as uncomfortable it might be, because it is our heart as well, And we are meant to bring our courage, vulnerability, and presence, even if we "don't know what to say." Most times words are not what is needed, it's more about the allowing that voice of the grieving one to share with us their words......or more importantly their tears of sacred love. 

Note: We are all in this mystery  together. We have all come to pass. 

Let The Games Begin

Yes, I continue searching out the answers and/or revelations to the mystery of this reality. This story proves again to be the sort of ongoing evidence to what I perceive as a 'piece' of the fascinating discoveries one can find if one is seeking with eyes open for the mystery to reveal itself (or at least have them 1/2 to 3/4 of the way open, because I admit, I do like baby eye opening steps when it comes to cracking any mystery.)  

I do have some guidance though, as I'm doing two separate 30 day experiment based games. I am using two books by the same author, Pam Grout to give me context and structure to follow. Trust me when I say it's good for me to have some mind organization when it comes to experimentation within the mysterious. One book is "Thank and Grow Rich" and the other is "E2 ( or E-Squared)- Nine DIY Energy Experiments to Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality." Both are creatively written and she is totally down to earth, and has a very cool sense of humor, which is awesome when dealing with the woo-woo kind of world. Although I don't think she considers these books woo-woo as much as practical workbooks to the current scientific factoids in the realms of the almighty science of quantum physics. I simply cannot wait until any science admits the missing link all along has been an all intelligent consciousness and our active existence, participation, and awakening conscious use of it. .

Because I choose to believe in the missing link they are searching for, I align with what Pam speaks to, flows in, and has personal experience with as well. Both books in their own cool way basically involve intentional interaction with the great and powerful Universe/quantum field/the G word, or whatever you choose to call it. The point of the games/experiments are to find definite and obvious results by consciously playing the game! Grok?

Yesterday my mission was to find examples of synchronization and obvious connections in experience or things. In other words it was a shout out to be presented with such insight. Now as you can imagine, that kept my mind and heart in full enjoyable engagement all day, and I found I needed a lot of hydration. This is because when you're presented with such an adventure-activity of looking for the connections, it can take some serious focus of energy. But once you get yourself going, things just start popping up and you start to get all surprised and thrilled you're perceiving in this way. Well at least I get thrilled, which is sucha great word any which way you use it! 

This is where the photo comes in: 

Early in the day I was strolling along on one of my favorite paths. As I was pondering about the games of the day, I began intentionally opening myself to that kind of "seeing", which is both sort of subtly receptive yet determinedly focused. I recall thinking something like this, "I wonder how everything actually fits beautifully together? I wonder if I will have the privilege of seeing the deeper connection in each of the symbols that clearly cross my path today?" 

Also my personal rules I made up for this first day were:

• Rule #1: Have a good solid sense of curiosity. 
• Rule #2: Don't "try" too hard, just let the symbols present themselves. 

So I felt I was starting off fairly well and on the right track with the questions I was presenting. And as soon as those thoughts passed through my mind, I look down and there they were, the first symbols had instantaneously arrived: My very own two puzzle pieces! (Btw, in case you were wondering they don't fit together cuz I instantly tried that.) I'll have to say, I thought this was a very creative, humorous, and solid first symbol to land upon. After all, you gotta have a couple of the pieces in hand to get the whole life puzzle thing rollin' into motion anyway. Didn't it take seven days and 2.6 billion puzzle pieces for the world to be created in the biblical creation story? And as I see it, with these games being a fresh view and a feeling of a clean slate for me, I'm only getting started making the pieces fit just right in some seeming whole succinct big picture life way. I'll enjoy what I know will be a wildly fascinating ride.

The rest of the day unfolded in similar surprising pieces. This symbol, and then that brief 'take me off guard' experience, just presented themselves what seemed like in back to back sequence, and with that little neon light around them saying "Hello! I'm a part of the symbolic, synchronized story being told to you today!" And then I had to put it all together at the end of the day. I won't get too detailed on all the pieces, as it's somewhat personal to me. But I can tell you without a doubt, they did line up and share with me some amazing insights and confirming realization that again there is such orchestration in the seeming chaos. And it most certainly depends on how you intend to experience your day. And if not anything else, it simply reminds me that IT is sooooooooooo much vaster, intelligent, mysteriously awesome than the small mind we often perceive from, and IT is ever so willing to play in the most miraculous ways with us. But what it comes down to is that we have to be open and wanting to see and experience the mystery. Not for the "answers" per say, but for the SURPRISE! It's well worth playing the game. And guess what?.... Everyone wins.

Are We Anonymous?

Today I was listening to the podcast Beautiful Stories of Anonymous People. It's a cool podcast made by the comedian Chris Gethard in which people call in and just have a conversation with him for an exact hour. The deal and rules are that throughout the call, Chris does not know their name, where they live, etc.. Total anonymity. The person can talk about whatever they want (I'm sure within some reason), and they can hang up any time before the hour is finished.

Under this framework of "rules" I find the conversations intriguing, and quite interesting. And because of the anonymity of the caller, it adds for a certain amount of free, unhindered disclosure about things in the callers lives that they might not have talked about with any one else in such a way. Some have secrets to share, some have amazing happenings that they have walked through, and some just chat it up as things come up on their minds in the moment.

The nice thing is that Chris offers consistent permission to just talk about whatever they want because it's their hour. I will tell you that A LOT can be covered in an hour when people feel safe, open up, and choose to share something of themselves. My impression each time, is that Chris is a solid and neutral person to chat with, and besides that his voice is comforting and engaging. He feels authentic in his curiosity about the strangers he's speaking with, and he seems to draw out something cool in these random people he chats with. From my experience, it's kind of a gift to be able to do that with others. He adds a calming tone and inviting platform. Props!

But with most podcasts there are also advertisements with sponsors of the show. So today as he takes a break to do these shouts from the sponsors, and I hear a brand new ad that took me sort of aback. It was for a new sponsor website/company that was for people that wanted to just have a conversation with a live person with a real voice and listening ear at the other end. the calls, somewhat like the podcast was completely anonymous, but the folks working there couldn't wait to talk with you!

This was their selling angle: It was because these days most people are just mostly texting rather than actually calling one another, and most people don't have time these days for a real voice to voice conversation. But more so it was because most people don't want to "bother their friends" if they actually tried to call them on the phone to talk. But this new and up and coming way of relationship was that if you needed to talk, there was someone who would listen like a friend, but you wouldn't have to know them nor would they have to know you. Yep, everyone is off the hook. Just pay for a chat, no one you know will be bothered.

And I speak to this specifically here because today I heard a guy on the show tell Chris about some very bottom line life stuff about himself, his family, his religious faith, and a very personal secret and choice he might have been needing to seriously make that held his whole life and self integrity lingering in the middle. I wanted him to have a voice to voice with the people that needed to know this secret of his. I wanted him to be honest with himself, with them, and take the risk of everything going completely awry so he could be liberated into his own self contentment.

I know some cultural structures, especially fundamental religious ones, can make it very difficult for people to step out in their own truths and be willing to make the break to live outside that familiar structure. But for me, it was a feeling of being closeted with him and knowing his secret was for the many many potential people listening to the call, but not for the ones who would likely want or need to know the most.

I don't know how many people we or I could anonymously or personally chat with before someone would say "Hey! Tell the truth!" But, I do think if that dude had called a real friend he knew and talked voice to voice and had the courage to share this information in real personal conversation with someone he cared about and that cared about him, that might have been what he was honestly told. Maybe he wasn't ready for that. And I get that too. Sometimes it just takes time, it takes those small steps. Maybe for him to just begin to share the secret within anonymity would somehow begin to unhinge the binds that held him. I hope it was a catalyst for the change I felt he really wanted to make. Perhaps just the validation of our secrets being known without being known ourselves can do more wonders than currently known.

The reason I was mostly taken aback was because even though this does seem like it's becoming real thing/issue these days that people don't have time or maybe even actually want to talk voice to voice, I so didn't want it to be that real where people feel they can't actually sit down with someone they love, or call a real friend and have a real and honest conversation because of fear of bothering a friend. Aren't we supposed to "bother" our friends sometimes with a phone call? Aren't we wanting our friends to "bother" us by calling? Or, am I that passe and out of the loop and bothering my friends too much now? I will admit, I do my fair share of more texting than calling these days, but I do also take the time to talk voice to voice because to me it's a value to be in that kind of visceral connection and intimacy with my friends.

Chris's show doesn't claim to be a therapy session, nor does he try to fix anyone, but a place to just have a spontaneous conversation. I'm sure he doesn't and I don't see it as a replacement for voice to voice with close people in the callers lives, but the fact that that ad was there and if it's coming to that more people than not feel they can't confide in those they know personally, my feeling is there's something to be considered. And that is that as a whole, we might need to rethink how we are feeling about screen connection vs voice.Yes, it's a real conversation to continue to consider. Hopefully voice to voice. Let the revelation re-start.

So, in closure, and final thoughts......I suppose if people are just really lonely and need someone or anyone to share their thoughts with that's one thing, but if it's for fear of interrupting a friends life, then that's another. I like to and do put more faith in the people I call my friends. And I pretty much know they want me to call them and I absolutely know I want them to call me if a secret or a life trouble is too heavy to bear. I don't want to give up the faith and absolute knowing that the sound of our voices nurture others and hearing others voices can actually soothe the places that are jagged in us. Those voices are like warm clean loving healing water on a wound at times. Perhaps that's what Chris's voice did today for that gentleman......

Oh, and for the record, I am going to try to get on the show and have a convo with Chris too! But not because I need to confide any secrets, or not call a friend to bother them.......I just want my turn to be beautifully anonymous.

Unhinge the Doors

Yes. I am blogging once again. Yes, this is my official blog and this is where I will attempt to write my thoughts and ponderings from here on out. I have primarily shared my writings on Facebook, but that forum has seemed to tapper off a bit for me. A notch of inner inspiration removed. I figure it's just too many words for that little wall, when most folks at this point just put up photos of lost dogs, political confusion, Buddha memes, and a flower or two from the spring garden. All cool prevalent stuff, but as we well know, there's kind of a common predictability there, and I am personally tired of the commonly predictable. I suppose it always has been that way there in FB land, so maybe I'm just a late bloomer to this fact. Maybe blogging has always been the correct forum for my ginormous diatribes on life and insights of subtle personal amusement. Who knows?

 So yes, I'm blogging here again too because I can "mostly" guarantee it's going to be so much more unpredictable if someone decides to read my writing at my Blogger site as opposed to my Facebook wall. In other words, I ain't going to be holding much back! No fucking way. Blog world is free domain! Im thinking I will say everything I wanted to but didn't say on FB, and revel in the liberation of free speech. I will also revel freely with the assumption no one will read any of these, so I can just have at it. I will most likely be entertaining myself alone, but I have no shame in doing so. This is my pledge.

 BUT.....the pledge has an addendum too: I do have three blogs here from 2011/12 that I totally forgot about, so I have a small head start in the blogging realm. I also found, through looking at my stats on the blogs, that I had roughly 250 views on them over the years they have been up here. Naturally I was surprised at that and I thought, "Hmmmmm...... Who the hell are those 244, people that have stumbled upon and read my stuff besides the maybe the at max, 6 friends of mine who read my ponderings back in the day?" The bottom line is, I want to write, seems perhaps 250 people want to read, so I am entertaining myself and possibly another. That stated, I also pledge to continue to write blogs in the case that 1 in 250 reads them and finds a small slice of continued entertainment in this little world of blog.

 After that rather long prelude, I will get to the topic of blogness that I want to ponder further on this evening. Because, yes folks, it is after all "Time to Ponder":

As I sat and had afternoon tea today, I found myself pondering about the door/life changes metaphor humans use. You know the one......When one door closes, another is opening. One door opening, another closing. So on and so forth. And then there's the joke about that doors are supposed to close and open, because that's how they work, or something fucking hilarious like that. Or if a door closes open a window. Blah blah....I can't stop laughing! (not really.)

 But my thought today is that it's not the best analogy really at all if you would rather add some ease and grace into your life, because if you hadn't noticed before, doors open and close in front of us everyday, all day long, over and over and over again. Push, pull, click, slam, knock, swoosh, automatic door sliding, ding dong! It's too much to think of life being like doors in this constant opening/closing cycle. It can become quite overwhelming because we might even begin to forget which one is closing and which is opening. It's down right confusing.

 So, upon this pondering today, I decided that I prefer when one of my doors is opening, that I then choose to put a door stopper under it for awhile and let the breeze in. Then, when I'm damn well ready to close it, I will. I might even decide to unhinge the whole thing too. Put the door aside for awhile and see what comes in and goes out on it's own. It's my choice, because it's my door and it's my life! Ponder that......

Yogis laughing and one hand clapping

Wow. We've made it! Made it to the next day, moment, year, lifetime of our existence. 2012....my oh my.... what is to come? Let's wait and see until the Mayan calendar actually ends on December 21st. Until then just sit back and relax because we have some territory to cover. I could put a fancy quote in at this point, but my whole blog will actually revolve around a short video (link is below) and I will tell you why.

It is because this year, after watching this said video several times in 24 hours, that decidedly 2012 will be about laughing my ass off. It will be a year of throwing away some of the built up crap that has been stored in the cells of seriousness and sorrow of victimhood. It will be a year of coming together and possibly dancing into trance like states of exhalation. It will no longer be about the economy, or the occupation of _________ (fill in the blank), or about all the shit we've endured at the mercy of others. I'm thinkin' more and more it's about the souls freedom and the reveling in some unspoken remembrance of childlike states of simplistic innocence. Well at least that's what my astrological inner compass says.

Back to the video. You could perhaps scroll down and watch it now and get into that giddy feeling state of what I am speaking to, because afterall we need to do some of this layer by layer. But if you choose to hold out, I will dive a bit deeper into why I have lost all sense of wanting to take it all with such seriousness at this point. It is because I have had the realization that the greatest people seem to know that humor and laughter above all else transcends the mundane and the complex and even the "spiritual". It makes all things plain as day and as they really are. It makes the effort seem like swinging on a park swing set. It make the day in day out seem like licking lollipops and then sharing that same lollipop with a friend. (Yeah, I do mean sharing spit.) It makes for a moment of letting it fall away, and just letting the laughter bubble up and out. It makes for a good well ridden dirt bike, and a dirty at the knees pair of corduroys. Yes, I was a tomboy in the 70's.

Here's the moment where I will finally come full circle while directing you to the video and take a step into the "spiritual" aspect of humor. Or the humorous aspect of spirituality rather. There is an iconic laughing Buddha after all! I would like to speak about, and possibly for the Buddha himself for a bit because I spent my new years eve at Spirit Rock Buddhists retreat center chanting, dancing, and listening to Dharma talks mixed with confusing guided meditation and finally finding myself punch drunk laughing about the reverence of it all.

I came to the conclusion after making jokes with friends during this sacred celebration about the Buddists clapping with one hand, that the Buddha was in fact a happy man being he created Nirvana and all. I decided he would have laughed his ass off at this video. I believe if he was hip and down with the times, he would have considered it as funny as the people laughing at the yogis themselves....and perhaps that is what all those gurus and people we've bowed down to all this time need. A good laughing at. Not because they are not hip to laughing their asses off, but because it would and will continue bring us all down to an equality that we really are, and in my humble opinion, seems to be required now. Laughing together into oblivion. "We are ONE but not the SAME" as U2 said so eloquently. Just imagine all of us laughing that hard all at once.....Pretty cool. All different laughs merging into oneness. Now picture Buddah, Jesus, La Virgin De Guadalupe, Shiva, Moses, and your dog or cat doing that with us human. Funny shit huh?

So, there will be a LAUGH IN starting now. We will occupy the funny bone until we are all sitting happily in a circle with that relaxed smile that settles after a good round of hilarity. See you there. Oh, and did I mention it's contagious?

Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMC1_RH_b3k

Shem

James Brown and the Theory of Entropy

Disclaimer: The title I chose might have little to do with what I am going to write. And, I am happy to discover within that after some prior thought, James Brown and Entropy might end up being a very entertaining conversation worth having at some point. Ponder that and I'll get back to you.

Tonight is a night for a short travel through what I will call The Theory of Undivided Equals. Now this is not a topic many will be familiar because as I find myself back at the land of blog, I also find that I make these things up as I go, and well, I just found out that includes my own theories. Perhaps some might also call this annoying, because why would a woman sitting in a cozy wooded cottage alone have any right to make up her own theories? Well, I would say that it is alot more entertaining than turning on a television and watching someone get liposuction and then nip tuck their face or breasts into something humanly unrecognizable. My theory on that is called (and it's a long one so bare with me)....."You Are One Crazy Cracker! and if you so think that you need to cut, suck and slash away your Goddess given flesh to make yourself feel more solid then you should just stand on your head for three days while looking in the mirror then stand up quickly look in the mirror again and then continue on with your life." That should pretty much do it with reforming of perception and leave you with the lack of desire to change it up. (I prefer run on sentences.)

I would say that Undivided Equals has primarily to do with how one would perceive a balance of two so in place that you can hardly notice a plural state. That there is something essential about equilibrium that it is the very thing that we as humans are always questing for. That we, at times, are so skewed in our perception of ourselves, nature, "the other", and our focus so bent at times, that we finally might find that we no longer feel connected to any of it. That we experience division. So, the Undivided Equal is the place of experiencing that somewhere beyond that skew is the true sight, the true balance, the true and essential place of rest and calm.

In example. There is the Sloth and the tree is wraps around. The Sloth is just about the slowest moving living creature at about 10 ft per minute. I would have chosen the turtle to rant about, but it is a little too common for this mind wander. I suppose if you watch a Sloth for some time you might just fall into a fuzzy slow motion state yourself and then over a slow moving time of your own, you might even think that it is actually a part of the tree it is kickin' it in. It sort of becomes the space it inhabits. It merges with, it holds a balance in it's stillness. It is has then become an Undivided Equal.

I would say in partial summary that the "One Crazy Cracker" theory is more likely the complete opposite of this Undivided Equal theory. That if we so divide against our own flesh that we feel that never ending quest to equalibriate, then we will always be longing for something which cannot be found from the outside in. And really after Sloths and James Brown, and the question of Entropy (which I totally question), I believe that is what the true Undivided Equal is to us humans.... Ourselves united with ourselves. Habitating our own skin in the essential nature of restful and loving balance.

Please feel free to do what you will with this theory.

And please, please find the time to hug a Sloth.

Shem