At The Scene of a Blog: Reading in the Rain

 There's something to be said for persistence. I find this especially true when I finish a whole entire book like I did this morning. I woke to pouring rain wrapped in a blustery windy storm. It's been a perfect and huge reason to stay put in my cottage all day. Time to read, and plenty of time to make a smoked salmon, green onion omelette for breakfast as I also wait holding my breath before the power goes out. And then there was time to write. Read, eat, write. Repeat. Forever. 

 Upon rising, with the stormy sky clouding three quartes more of morning light through my seven windows, I lit two candles, burned my white sage, and picked up Anne Lamott's book, "Some Assembly Required" that I've been hoping to finish, and got back in bed to read. New true love: Morning in-bed reading. Who knew?

  

  Truth be told, more so lately I want to be someone who considers herself a "good and prolific reader".  I think I've been in denial about being that person. It's like I think I do read a lot, but I do not read as much as I really have always wanted to. I would like to become someone who reads every day, devouring books that I can't get enough of, like eating excellent food with an amazing dessert to complete the meal. Yes, like most of us, I do have a stack of  "meaning to read these" next to my bed, and several "half read, gotta get back to finish them" on my bookshelves.

 Being most of my bookshelf books are non-fiction of the metaphysical/spiritual text, I find I often dip into them for a spell to gather some soul food, and then move on for another spell into another book. But, the move on part can take a month or a year or so. With my poetry books, I use these as quick-fix soul food, and this I believe is what they are meant to be. A good poem once or twice a month can last me for a solid several months. I call this dosing on poems.

 When I do drop into a book, I read fast and absorb stories somewhat viscerally. When the book is really captivating, I become a part of the story and hear the 'voice' of the author and characters in my head long after I put the book down. It's the experience of being a part of the story and that cannot be substituted by anything. Reading also makes me want to write, as when I am so taken by others art, I often want and need to express my own creativity. We are one big artistic expression experiment together after-all aren't we? May we continue to inspire one another. 

 In retrospect, some of my resistance in reading a lot was that there was a point in time in my 20's where I thought that if I read too many books, my mind would be too cluttered with other peoples thoughts and ideas about things. In elaboration, I am also one to be sort of skeptical of many others thoughts, and I simply didn't want to have so much of  'other people' swirling in me.  I also know myself to be fairly susceptible to suggestion, but would say in the same breath, I am not easily brainwashed by scientific, 'fact based' logic. 

 I am not saying people are bad or are overall too confused in their thoughts, (maybe weird, but not bad) nor that they don't have some good things to say, but in my humble opinion, overall, much of what humans think is sort of odd, and quite honestly, kinda predictable to me. That could be translated as a form of ADD, or that I'm arrogant, or interpreted that I get bored easily. Those could all be true, but I think it's mostly because I used to feel that I simply needed to keep a pure un-cluttered mind in some way so as to listen to my own self before being lead astray by others ideas. Perhaps this was my own version of self-discipline or some form of my own religion. I admire a pure mind. And, I admire those who can carve a new thought in my mind.  I also felt that some people were just readers, and some just writers, but the writers were not required to read, and the readers were not required to write. Case closed. 

 As I leaned more into my early 30's, I realize that most of our thoughts whether we want them to be or not, are gathered and influenced by other peoples beliefs, opinions, and "facts" anyways. But if we are wise in deciphering what our own truth is, we take what feeds us and spit out the rest. Maybe I just haven't given myself enough of a chance to be opened more in a way that would support my intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth at this time in my life where it seems more and more that the well needs filling.

 For this hunger in the past, and even present, I have always stayed close to the philosopher mystical poets because I feel they have a foot in both worlds, have a refreshing perception, and keep me grounded there with them. I would go as far as humbly saying that I consider myself one of them, or at least strive to be refreshing and pure in that way when expressing my creative voice. 

The philosopher/poet comes few and far between. I instantly think of my beloved Rainer Maria Rilke, the late and stunning John O'Donohue, of course David Whyte for his permanence. There's Mary Oliver for her observing depth, and I can't leave out the revolutionary poet Saul Williams too, when I think of this kind of mystical poet. I consistently find them lifting me out of times of inner complacency of thought, and easefully dipping me into a place where there is that deeper sound and slowed soul time within me. They bring me to the place of accessing that richness of truer meaning of our lives that I feel in our increasingly technological world culture, seems to want to disengage and numb us to. These poetic mystics share that meaning of the natural world, the inner landscapes of corporal existentialism, breathtaking beauty, and beyond all of that, what I feel is our real spiritual thread of the mysterious and very present divinity that connects us to ourselves and others.

 Sometimes I have even thought that I don't really know what I would do, nor how I would feel or be within myself in this ever intense world without these word smiths that have and continue to carve that resonance of what I consider a 'purity of thought' in me. They assist me in keeping close to that individual and shared heartbeat. I feel blessed by each of them for what they offer of their soul through their written and spoken words. This remembrance is essential to our survival.

 I have also just landed upon Terry Tempest Williams work, and oh my my my, have I found yet another blessing! She is something of a epiphany to me. In opening her book "When Women Were Birds",  I literally felt her words alive and awaken in me something so true that I was kind of blown away. I realized again the power of a unique and authentic written voice. In this specific book, she speaks about voice so potently, as she observes her own and the women of her lineage as well. It's like witnessing a completely secret world that only she knows exactly how to articulate. Her brilliance is blatant.

  In my current obsession, I am actually moved to find her in person, and hopefully without too much intrusion, arrive at her door, bring her a pot of black-black tea with cream, and some dark purple-blue Iris's in a mason jar. Then, in my now obvious fantasy, we would sit down on what I imagine would be a very cozy couch, or at the big wooden table I am certain she has in the open light of the dining room, and have a good thorough chat about it all. Just all of it. I would, without a doubt, let her thoughts infuse me, and I would not be so concerned about being brainwashed. In the morning, I'll Google her and see what her schedule is, and drop her a note about me bringing her hot tea and flowers.

  Yes, I am fully ready to be more inspired this next cycle of a year by the truth seekers and the wisdom keepers. The truth of parts of me forgotten, the truth of knowing that we are weaved together by stories, thoughts and feelings that can't always be experienced and shared in the outer world. It's the wisdom of the world from the inside of things when they come out through this collective story within and between pages. Ink typed in symbols of font called words on paper...... the texture and sound of pages being turned......And most of all the imagination activated at full force. May this never become a lost art.

I am acutely aware I have just learned to read for the first time......

And Then There Was Sujitha

         

                                       

  As I lingered around waiting to attend the 10am Sunday service at the Center for Spiritual Awakening in Pacific Grove, I found myself sitting on my favorite bench at Asilomar Conference Center. That bench has always been my go to refuge when I spend time in that area, since I had been to the Science of Mind conference at Asilomar over my formative youth-filled and teen years. It was a time of wonderful and insightful spiritual growth for me, as well as having connection with amazing people, and learning from prominent inspiring new thought, metaphysical speakers and teachers from all over the world. Being the 'seeker of the mystical' I was at that time (and still am!), it was certainly a little slice of personal heaven for me to have had experienced.

 That bench is a very peaceful spot for my soul, filled with the sound of the ocean and the wind moving through the dunes. It always awakens so many memories in me, and my own personal communion with the universe. I would say it is for sure one of my spiritual homes on earth. One solitary bench. Once, a few years back, I looked up to see one of my favorite poet/philosophers David Whyte stroll past me when I sat there alone. It wasn't too unusual, as I was attending one of his weekend conferences at Asilomar. But I so wanted to stop and ask him to come sit, so we could have a good conversation about life, but I chickened out. And it would have been a quintessential moment, and certainly perfect for it to have happened on that bench. 

 So, I sat and prayed there with a full heart for being blessed to be sitting there, to have peace in my heart, and also connection in my heart to myself and my source.  And of course to have compassion, and  be of loving service to myself and others in the world. It was a beautiful moment of remembering that I am never too far from the truths and blessing awaiting me in my heart.  

 When I finally arrived at the church and sat down before the service began, I saw the little collection envelope set in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of me. the envelope had an image of Lakshmi, the Hindu Goddess of wealth, fortune, and prosperity, along with a small prayer about the Eternal Mother caring for us all. The image somehow gave me comfort, so I held the envelope in my hand for the entire service and looked down at her at different points to just feel that comfort. 

 I had this moment of thinking had I gazed long enough at Lakshmi, I could possibly have a Shaktipat of sorts, that at times spontaneous mystical awakening that one can receive if they gaze at a guru's image. I of course did not know yet that something was conspiring behind the scenes that had very much to do with this image, and a few other Hindu Gods and Goddess and an awakening that would occur right before me. 

 After the rejuvenating service, I realized I needed to stop for gas for my long journey back home, so I cruised into Monterrey proper to fill up. I found a Valero gas station and pulled in.  Now, the thing you should know about me and Valero gas stations, is that over the years I usually find that when I roll into them, there is usually something suspicious going on with my car. 

 Once, I had a rolled into one only to find I had a flat tire, and another time an over heated radiator. Another was when I had forgotten my cell phone and I needed to make an urgent call. And like a beacon, there was a phone booth at the Valero just in time, where most every other place in the known Universe no longer had phone booths. Initially I had thought I should avoid Valero's altogether, because it seemed unfortunate things happened there, but realized when I thought about it more closely, that Valero gas stations were more likely the places that rescued me and my car when it was needed most. Valero does mean "Valiant" (Latin) after all, so I should have gotten the clue a little quicker! 

 Feeling the ocean breeze on my face, I filled up my tank and then went inside the station to get myself a beverage for my drive. I found and picked out the new coconut beverage I was digging, and went to the counter. There was a middle-aged East Indian woman cashier, and she had a welcoming smile. I noticed her name tag right away; Hello my name is Sujitha. 

 We said hello and in her thick Indian accent she said, "You needed a drink because it's getting hot out there!"  

"For sure!" I said, "And this drink is so good, I just recently discovered it. Do you like coconut?" I replied. 

"Yes! Yes! We offer fresh coconuts to the Gods and Goddesses in our daily prayers. I love coconut taste too." She said.

 I told her to go get a cup and I would let her try some of my drink. She was so happy to receive the offer, and immediately went to the back room and returned with a small yellow plastic coffee cup. I poured her some and she did that smell, sip, then smile thing, so I was glad the drink passed the coconut taste test. We got to chatting a bit more about offering coconuts to the Hindu Gods/Goddesses and she asked if I knew much about Hinduism and if there was a Punjabi (her specific sect) temple where I lived. I told her I did not know of one, but if I found one I would likely go check out a service or two. 

 What I realized most about talking with Sujitha, is that I felt instantly comfortable with her. We made easy eye contact, and I felt we did in fact have one of those connections you have at times with someone you meet in passing at gas stations or other "one stop probably never see that person again" type places. But those connections to me often feel sort of significant. Just an openhearted moment between two strangers. Maybe it was because I shared my coconut drink, and maybe because she shared her devotion to her religion which was interspersed with almost everything she shared with me in that 10 minutes or so. Oh, and I should mention at this point you should probably also know that the name Sujitha means "Great Conquer." 

 We soon said our farewells, and as I walked to the door I just felt it in me to turn and say "Namaste" to her along with the customary prayer hands together pose and small bow of the head. I felt it was appropriate since we had made the kindly connection we did, and because that is the formal salutation in the East Indian culture. But I will admit I also felt kind of silly after doing it! 

 Now, another thing you must know about me is that I do not use the Namaste salutation with all that many people. I think that is because I live in West County, California where it does feel blandly overused.....even though it's a lively intentional meaningful acknowledgement towards another. In its essence it means, "The divine in me bows to the divine in you." Any which way, Sujitha seemed to appreciate that extension and Namaste'd me back. I was happy, humbled, and went off to get in my car to head home.  

 When I started my car, I looked up to suddenly see her walking out of her post and directly towards me, and so I opened my car window. She smiled shyly and then said, 

"Where do you know the salutation Namaste?" (At first I thought maybe I was busted for using it!) 

Then I said, "I have learned it some from my mantra practices, and I know it's also your cultural greeting and farewell." 

 She asked if I practiced, and I told her I had learned and chanted many Hindu mantras over the years, and was also familiar with at least a couple handfuls among the thousands of God/Goddesses of her religion. Then I noticed her eyes lighting up a bit more, and suddenly we were engaged with one another again. 

 She asked if I knew Ganesha and Shiva, and I said of course! (I love me some Ganesha...the clearer of obstacles, a redemptive guiding force.) And Shiva...."The Auspicious One", and the third god of the triumvirate, the other two being Brahma and Vishnu. I will say, I felt a little self conscious when going on about mantra and the deities, but, she was kind and patient with me, and seemed to at least humor me that I knew some about it all. 

 But, I realized I did in fact know more than I had thought, easily noting who was who, what they represented, and the importance of chanting mantras. In that moment, something re-awakened inside me, which was that I am definitely drawn to Hindu spiritual culture more than most other paths or religions. This I believe is because of its smells, it's colors, sounds, deities, but mostly because of its deeply mystical aspects. Just the fact that its been around long enough to have a solid foundation of believers, being marked in written Vedic text as the oldest religion at 4,500 years of Earth age.  

 Sujitha then became quiet and her face changed. She looked me deep in the eyes, and within an instant had a forlorn, concerned expression that fell over her and she then softly says, 

"Am I ok? Am I going to be ok? What do you see for me?" 

 I was not particularly taken aback, because I am comfortable with others getting real with me should they want or need to, but realized right then that our stranger connection had shifted, and it was now at that other place where there is a vulnerable confiding happening, which often creates an instant private bubble of intimacy. I then, as also happens, I felt my heart just open to her in the intimate same way. Real human connection was happening. 

 As I looked her directly back into her eyes, I asked her what was happening for her, and why and what she needed and wanted me to "see" for her? 

She then confides, "My husband, he's been gone for three days, he's sleeping with other women. My heart is broken. I get depressed and I suffer. I am frightened that I will not be ok. Will I be ok? What do you see? What do I need to do?"

 At that point I opened my car door and stood up, all the while the car still running while we stood in front of the gas pump. And then as if I was having a vision, I began to actually see for her. And I could 'see' her and her world so clearly in those moments. I was what I call when it happens, 'taken by a vision', and I wanted nothing but good and love for her.

 I saw that her heart and mind needed rest and connection. I suggested she take care of her heart first, that she needed to do so to calm her mind and body. I suggested she do her favorite mantras. That she would do well to go connect with nature with her gods/goddesses sitting in her heart. In this vision, I saw her walking by the sea side which was just three blocks away from where we were, to fill her soul with the things that would nurture her broken heart. I let her know she was not alone, that Ganesha, Shiva, Krishna, and all of her protectors were looking over her. And with humility and friendship to offer, that I was too.

 She nodded with her head down, and had agreed that was what she needed for her self. She looked up again, and in a flurry of questions, then wanted to know what I could see about her husband. She was urgent in her inquiry. 

"Was he ok? Was he with other women and was he going to come home? Would he always do bad karma and leave her lonely? Why was he doing this?"   

 So I tried to see him in a vision too. Even though I did not know this man, I searched deep in my heart to feel him. And I did suddenly feel him, perhaps through her. I shared with her what I saw. I saw and felt that he was somewhat "lost". That he perhaps didn't know truly in what way he was hurting her, because his heart was shut down, so he could not return to her fully. I felt and saw also that he was trying to fill his own broken heart with these other women. 

 Sujitha said, "He won't look me in the eye, he hardly spoke to me before he went away for these last three days. I kept telling him do good karma, do good karma, walk with Shiva." 

 I told her I felt if she could find a way to talk with him that it could help. That if she could share her broken heart with him, it might awaken his heart with love again towards her.  I urged her again that she needed to care for her own tender heart. Whatever happens care for her heart starting now. As her eyes teared up, I stood in front of her and opened my arms and wrapped them around her. I told her she was going to be ok, that above all else I knew that.

 Even though at that point I was in a altered state, and all of this was happening very quickly right there in the parking lot, I knew she was working and she couldn't totally break down in her heartbreak as she might have needed or wanted to. I have had that feeling while working. Holding it in, but wanting to scream. So I said again that I knew in my deepest heart she would be ok, and that I should go and she should know I will be praying for her. 

 She gathered herself and asked me to park my car really quick at a parking spot across from the pumps because she had something to show me. She wouldn't let me go yet, and I went with her request. I pulled forward and parked while she went back in the gas station and returned with a large gallon zip lock baggie. The contents of the plastic bag were what seemed to be around 6 or 7 separate folded stapled packs of well used papers. She took the worn papers out and opened one stack particularly to show me pages of Sanskrit mantra text and images of the Hindu Gods and Goddesses we had spoke of earlier next to the written mantras.  

 She said she chanted them from these pages all day long, that these were her prayers. She chanted for herself and her husband over and over. Time was feeling shorter, so she went quickly through each page sharing who each was and the lesson they offered. I did know almost all of her Gods and Goddesses, as she flipped through each page pointing and telling me excitedly who was who. There was Lakshmi, Saraswati, and Krishna. There was Durga, Shakti,Kali, Hanuman and Vishnu.  

 When we got to Ganesha, she asked if I knew his mantra as she pointed to the mantra in Sanskrit next to his image, and I said yes, I did know it by heart. And so, we spontaneously and appropriately chanted it softly out loud in unison together "Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha". She asked if I would chant to Ganesha for her in my prayers, and to Shiva too. My eyes began to fill with tears, and I said I absolutely would, and that I would also chant the Gayatri mantra which was my favorite because it was the most ancient of mantras which invoked the essence of divine light and omnipotent awakening. 

 We then heard her boss calling on her and we knew that was the end of those moments together. The boss suddenly appeared next to us, and so she quickly folded her texts and was putting them back in the bag while she nervously told him she was showing me something important and would be back inside in a minute. 

 Before she went back to her post behind the counter, I told her I had something for her and went into my car and grabbed the Lakshmi envelope with the prayer on it that I had held in my hands at the service juts an hour earlier. 

She said "No, no, you keep that for you, I have many Lakshmi's around my house!" 

 But I knew I had to and wanted to give her something to hold in her hand.  I grabbed my perfectly shaped heart rock I found at the Russian Gulch river bed in Jenner and which had been sitting in my cup holder. 

 I said, "You take this, and hold it close to your heart," and put it in her palm. It fit just right. I told her I would come back and check in on her when I was in town again. She liked that idea! We had a good hug and said goodbye to one another. Namaste was now actually happening without the word spoken. 

 After that I knew Sujitha and I were complete. What I also knew in my heart was that my prayers just a couple of hours earlier were being showed to me with and through her. I had asked to be of service and to share love, I asked for that connection in my own heart, which I felt I had with this stranger who also became my teacher and a soul connection for those 20 minutes or so. 

 But, what I realized most clearly as I drove away, was that no matter what religion, chants and prayers we do, what color we are, what accent we speak, or what Gods/Goddesses we have, we are all so completely and definitely the same in what we need at times. Someone to listen.....someone to SEE for us what we might not know how to see for ourselves in those moments. Someone to have faith in and to witness us in our vulnerability and honesty. To trust another with our hearts. 

 We are human first, yet I feel we are all Ganesha's and Shiva's and Lakshmi's embodied for a moment in time-space form when another asks us to hear their prayers from their at times complex and fragile life story. And if we allow it, we are also opened and humbled at this privilege of being trusted with another's heart, as I was with her.   

 I believe that those whom we call strangers that share themselves so deeply with us....they become our gurus/teacher in that moment when we need to learn something essential as well. This lesson is offered so we can share ourselves in compassionate, open-hearted support, and be the good stewards of our larger extended human family. As the reciprocity of that human to human vulnerable honesty continues, we continue to heal the separation between us. What I know above all else is that my Shaktipat did in fact happen that day with Sujitha The Conquer.....And it happened of all places at Valero. Namaste.