On The Inside of People

    

On The Inside of People

There are things on the inside of people

you can't know from the outside

Twisted vines and ovals
Shifting 
Separating    

Curving back towards one another

You might see something move in their eyes

Palpating thumps of flattened moments

Rise and fall 

Seeping across faces

(sometimes urgently)

out of bodies

hands 

shoulders

Then there are those who seem to have no inner motion

The ones who start....

Starring perplexed back at themselves

Drawing upon a hint of fluttering bird wing

Deciding gesture and pose

Pre-thought distribution of physical matter called Self

The slight of external eyes

wandering over questionable movements

Distorting songs

Crucial poetic slashes cut

Across timelines of potent expression

Who exists beyond the torment of external and internal life?

Who continues to live outside abstract thoughts running rampant in the heart mind?

Who can dissolve the pre-birth anxiousness of wanting and needing first breath?

Of toiling weightless

In the timeless time

In the spaceless space

Pushing towards opening expecting light

Ultimate escape from the realization of being

Of incessant wondering of the 

I AM

Within pure knowledge of silence 

Comes acceptance of totality

A free push and pull 

Of natural realms

Beginning forces 

Recognizing form.

-shem/2002

Flash Of Resilience

                                       

There was something to admire about resilience.....

The way it held itself, not bothered by what came before. Easing into the next chapter. Propped up by the Buddha's spine against the Bodhi tree. He might say, "Enlightenment is for the passive", trembling in his own ebb and flow of touching the unknown.

Nothing in the earthly realm will disappear completely. We are made to hold on, to clench fiercely around our insatiable questions. We weren't made to solely navigate the spirit realms....it would blind us....that kind of light. We might not return from such purity. We are made of rough edged, touchable, untouchable matter. Infused and animated, and at the same time, brilliantly here in the flesh of this home.

Earth
Skin
Bone
Salt
Blood
Cells
Tears

All drenched with confusion, then lucidity. All awakened under our own tenacious tree that is of blind intelligence, yet true in force of knowledge. We crawl out from our caves....one by one.....with hope of self discovery and reckoning. We seek redemption rom such ignorance and mis-stepped paths. We get lost. We return. We told and turn and rise and dissolve. Impermanence is the beginning. Impermanence is the end. Someone to you to surrender at your first inhale. You forget. You remember. Exhale.

My True Luddite Nature

Here's what Im thinking about today:

Seems the use of the cell phones has become a monumental critical mass experience now. I know I'm not the only one who knows this is happening. You too must see, when out and about, almost every person of every age consistently consumed by their phone. The youngins with their huge iPhone 7 screens, and the elders with their flip phones. The folks that prefer tablets and iPads, and the ones that have earbuds in their ears at all times. The noticing of people hanging with their people and they're all just using their phones while sitting together. Or after your done eating at a restaurant, and you're digesting your food, and you must bring out the phone at that digesting moment to show your friend the latest picture of your cat. It's become the norm, and that norm is becoming increasingly odd. I know, I know, no new news on this whole picture. But it's seeming more and more epidemical to me. 

I have been recently getting more of this uncomfortable feeling noticing and knowing this is occurring. Just feeling a bit squirmish and disconnected by witnessing the disconnect. Yes, I completely admit I'm guilty of my own excessive use at times, and I know I'm using this technology right at this moment to relay my (oh so important and relevant!!) thoughts. And I suppose blogging is becoming a bit passe too due to it's nature of having to read a longer bit of info rather than a snipit Snap-chatty thing. And yes, sometimes my girlfriend and I even get in momentary squabbles about who's using and is more addicted to their phones! It's entered the house and home, and relationships too. 

But my main discomfort comes from knowing that we are likely collectively "checking out" in some way that is not helping us evolve in a way that it seems we so need to now. I believe we are having more of a challenging time just being right here right now interacting in real connection with the people right on front of us. Connecting is the key word. There is a sense of isolation between us and these screens we think we are connecting within. Maybe in some ways we are connecting, but at the end of the day, voice, eye contact, body language and even touch are what makes for real connection.  

I believe and know too that there is much going on in our world right now that perhaps people don't want to be connected in some basic present way. People say they are informing themselves with their phones  by having CONSTANT access to the news and moment to moment updates. But I realize with all that constant mostly snap shots of chaotic input, there's not much time to really process that information either, which is something that we humans need to do so as not to overload and go sort of numb to it all.  

I believe it's overloading our physical and psychological systems more than we are conscious of, and I'm witnessing this not only in noticing how people are responding to some things that happen in our physical non-virtual world outside of our phones, but the straight up not responding at all to perhaps important things that need attention in the outer world either. 

But the simple personal fact I'm writing this is because yes, truth is I have been feeling disconnected from that sort of basic connection, and I am not usually familiar with experiencing that disconnect feeling. There's a strange longing there and for me this is something to take notice to. After deeper thought over time, and from what I've expressed above, I attribute this partially to my use of my phone. When I am engaged in this consuming screen time way, it's just TMI most of the time for me, but alas I am choosing to get that TMI most of the time! 

So, in the desire to soothe that longing and re-connect to that basic thing, and hopefully with my fellow human without the use of my phone, I'm considering becoming a partial Luddite starting asap. That 'partial' part seems like a good first step to returning to this awesome world of the real connection. Or what I consider real. I believe after making a real commitment to this practice I am almost certain I will learn much about the ways of what this means for me living a continued happy, healthy, and balanced existence with technology. That is the goal I am intending to reach. 

To begin I will not be using my FB so much in the ways of connecting with others, as this has been a place where I often go to find out what's up and also to let others know what's up with me. I don't have other social media places I hang out so this makes it feel much more doable. Don't get me wrong, I think FB has been an amazing tool in connecting people and I have even re-met some of my long lost past friends there. And there are now 2 billion people involved in the FB social media forum. That in and of itself says much about the beauty of social media technology. Yet, I want to try and see how I can connect and be with my people again without the screen there in between. Wish me the best...YES??!! 

Some of the further ways I might go about my Luddite-ness in order to connect are: 

1. I might have to get myself an actual old fashioned typewriter and send you an actual letter. Or I could use a pen and paper. That's def more radical! 

2. I could consider sending smoke signals of my whereabouts so we can meet up and talk in person. (After high fire danger season of course.)

3.  I might even drop some fresh flowers at your door step as a hello rather than texting you flower emojis.

4. I'll likely hold back on texting and attempt to call you and talk with my voice to yours. Another radical measure!

And lastly, my motto to begin my personal revolution: "If not YOU then who?" 

Cheers! 

Luddite Definition: https://www.google.com/amp/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3Fterm%3Dluddite%26amp%3Dtrue

Journal Entry: May 21, 2017

I woke up at 7:30 a.m. Normal for these days. Seems the older I get the earlier I want to rise, even on a Sunday. Maybe that's because my life feels more precious as each day passes, or as I have more recently realized, this life I roam around in gets more exploratory and curious as said days roll by.

So, I check in with myself: "Girl? What you want to do today? It is ALL yours after all."
Me: "I want to go have a good cup of tea, sip it while sitting outside in this fog, and then have a good  walk on the shore."
Me: "Done! GO!"

I hit the house kettle for a pre-cuppa before I officially decide anything else, and at the same time I reluctantly decide to get in the shower. My bed head also seems more exploratory and curious these days too, so even though I could have skipped the shower alltogether, I thought I needed to present myself at least for the seagulls I would likely see on my shore walk. I dressed, put on my sweatshirt and threw on my down black Patagonia vest over it. Perfect combo of warmth guaranteed.

I got in my car at 8:30. Driving was dreamlike in the soupy fog that sets in on the mornings here during late Spring early Summer at the ocean side. I also knew that inland would be hot today and that the crowds would be making their way out to the shore by noon latest, so I wanted to be out there on the still quiet roads and shores before then. Truth be told: I have always liked the ocean to myself.

The Aquatica Cafe in Jenner is the perfect sleepy Sunday morning destination. The music and scene inside the rustic funky hipster-milinial employed shoppe offers a Nor-Sonoco-Cal greeting that can't be matched. It's laid back, chill, and subtly energized. It was the Beatles playing this morning, and although I am not a fan, Good Day Sunshine seemed to work for the overall vibe that was happening through the fog. I had loose leaf Earl Grey with cream, and sat in the two seater wood chair out by the mouth of the Russian River. I closed my eyes and breathed in several times. The smell was a blend of the mouth of a river and  fresh salt, and I felt like I was still in bed.

A good handful of kayakers were already prepping to put in just at the waters edge near to where I sat, and the colorful oranges and greens of the gliding narrow boats looked like anxious sea creatures waiting to cruise to the grey blue surface. Various people wearing Tevas and Keens with dirt laden feet walked along the deck of the cafe and I realized I never did look up at their faces. I imagined them having camped in tents close by, awakening to the sound of the waves, rising and feeling open and Earthy and ready for the communion of a day on the water.

I sat for an hour there in that chair. I just sat, listening to the hum of conversations, watching feet, and thinking of not much at all. This I decided, was the perfect way to start a day. I felt I had slept on the Earth as well, which I equated as the reason for lack of thought. My favorite quote kept rolling through me....."Empty the mind of all thought, let your heart be at peace", but that wasn't a thought as much as a reminder.

I arrived at South Goat Rock and there was nothing but that fog and the sound of waves to greet me.  As I walked, I stumbled upon the ebb and flow of those waves moving through the larger mounds of pebbles that collected on the shore. That is by far one of my favorite sounds to experience. It can't be sufficiently compared to any other sound. It's it's own sound. I suddenly wanted to lay down on the pebbles and let the waves roll over me too. I wanted to be one with, and then finally become that sound. That sound. But I kept walking and asked "What sound am I?" That was my question.

Such questions only come while walking the shore. Questions and songs actually. There's a rhythm that aligns in me when I am being with the sea. We came from the water, and therefore we know it in our molecules and cells. It's unmistakable. You just gotta listen to yourself closely. Waves moving, my body moving, pebbles shifting, my feet stepping, sea-birds floating, my mind emptying. Rhythm.

I decide to record the "waves through pebbles" sound so I can fall asleep to it tonight, and every night I want to become that sound. Chosen perfection is always available.

Then I came home and stacked wood, made food for the week, did some laundry, made a small batch of fruity sangria which I am sipping as I write and listen to some kick ass Thievery Corporation jams. Along with that, there's also the delicious wafting scent drifting through the house of the sweet and gold potato chips I'm baking in the oven.

Best of all, the long time sun is still high in the now warm blue sky, and I want to lavish throughout the dusk into the dark. I could do this day 100 times in a row. This is life. This is the exploration of the curious soul I call SELF.

If you read this.....It's not your fault

Last night as I was falling asleep and in that place that is closer to the dreaming world, I heard a voice. It was a woman's voice, and it was one of the purest voices I have ever heard. Clear, gentle, soft, kind, open, loving, and I am sure it wasn't a voice of someone I knew here on the Earth plane. The lovely voice said "It's not your fault", and that was all she said.

Now, I have to come clean and share that I have had plenty of mystical experience in my day. Some being out of body flying around, lucid dreams, visitations from various beings (known and unknown), other dimensional spheres opening into plain sight (that is a total trip), and some other fascinatingly bizarre shit that if I told you, you would maybe think I was a bit off my rocker, which some probably already think such! And, I often hear soft whispering voices letting me know a helpful guiding message or two as well. This feels normal to me because in my experiences the 'most of the time' invisible worlds seem way more real and dependable to me. Those other realms are rich with unmistakable vividness, there's a pure feeling of simply knowing of the true self and where one belongs in the order of all things, a crystal clear sense of purposefully directed consciousness, and an absolute undeniable truth that permeates every point of that consciousness. (I'm sure your soul remembers at least a little of all that whilst reading.)

But this message last night was curious. I had to ponder why she was telling me this specifically. Over the years, I feel I have cleared much of my shame that can be sort of automatic being a human. To explain a bit further on why I feel that is a common human experience and have taken the time to clear that all up in myself: If you hadn't noticed, we are kind of instilled and hard wired mostly by organized religion and the overall culture to feel we have no real place here, that we are born in original sin and that there is a controlling, punishing god who doesn't really like us anyway and that said God should be feared, all of which fucks us from the start.

The foundational message is basically that we are puppeted peons and have no right to exist. Now that there is some crazy assed thought, because why would something that essentially created humans feel so pissed about having done so? Just to be an asshole to it's own creation? That is just about the most ridiculous though concoction I have ever heard. Which leads me to believe that only a human could have come up with such a concoction. That there is called free will. But what's the best is we also have the choice to agree and align with what thoughts we'd like to believe. That there is free will at it's finest. Again: choose wisely.

But all that sloppy God thought leads to a set point of human made shame that we are even alive and have to constantly somehow feel bad about that. I know what I exemplified as religion here is primarily a Catholic/ Christian world view/belief structure stance, with all the confessions and hail Mary's, the endless begging Jesus for forgiveness, and doing insane things in the name of religion in the first place. But there has always been this human made Man-God which doesn't leave much room for us to just chill and enjoy the pleasures of our life and this planet of astounding beauty. Pleasure? It's supposed to be about experiencing pleasure? Yep, it is, but what 'they' have told you, either directly or indirectly, is that this life is definitely NOT supposed to be about that.

My feeling is that it's that ongoing shame that eats away at the psyche in that denial of pleasure that just makes people do weird shit that disturbs the whole. They possibly feel some deep seeded shame for enjoying themselves or their life because they are told they're not allowed to, and that they'll go to hell or another scary place if they do. Then it just backfires and they rebel like a cranky teenager in that idea, and behave in such ways that can make the world and humans a very confusing thing. And on top of that, all that shame and guilt probably makes this Man-God have to work 24/7 overtime and that's probably why the worldwide clergy says this Man-God is so annoyed with humans anyways and is sending it's wrath to shut the humans up. That never seems to work though right? I am decidedly creating a theory of man-kind.

O.k. enough of talking about a mean, annoyed Man-God.

More recently, I have also felt the comfort of feeling I truly belong here and that I have a mission and I will execute that mission before I travel onward. And I will continue to do that unapologetically and shame-free. I also like to remind myself often that we are all not officially from here, but came through a whole other persons body, and will leave our own body someday, and therefore we are just visiting and cruising around for awhile doing only the things we can do on this physical gorgeous Earth ball.

And there is so much pleasure to be had here. I mean, just stepping outside into the sun after a long winter of rain can be the most pleasurable experience there is. And the color green on all the trees and hills? And the sky as blue as the sea? And the feeling of the cool wind on your skin? And the hug from your beloved or friend? And making love in the late afternoon? And sipping that first sip of warm beverage in the morning? And that perfect meal with all the right flavors that your mouth and body loves? Music? Dancing? Deviled eggs? Q-Tips? And smiling just because? All pleasure my darlings! ALL PLEASURE.

So, with this whole collection via personal theory and deduction, I think what the messenger was really reminding me of last night as she whispered that in my ear was this pleasure I feel is not my fault. It's what IS, and what I now know is that it wants to rush in and fill my life so totally. It's not meant to feel guilty about. Fuck guilt! Fuck shame!

In other words......It's not my fault "Pleasure is the New Black." It's not my fault that life wants me to enjoy it more fully even if the whole rest of the world is looking like a big old mess. It's not my fault if others don't want to join in on the pleasure ride. It's not my fault if life wants to greet me with awesomeness and wants me to feel grateful and in wonder about it all. It's just not my fault. And you know what?....I am sticking to it, because I realize it's actually pleasures fault and the pleasure is truly mine. I hope it's yours too.

At The Scene of a Blog: Reading in the Rain

 There's something to be said for persistence. I find this especially true when I finish a whole entire book like I did this morning. I woke to pouring rain wrapped in a blustery windy storm. It's been a perfect and huge reason to stay put in my cottage all day. Time to read, and plenty of time to make a smoked salmon, green onion omelette for breakfast as I also wait holding my breath before the power goes out. And then there was time to write. Read, eat, write. Repeat. Forever. 

 Upon rising, with the stormy sky clouding three quartes more of morning light through my seven windows, I lit two candles, burned my white sage, and picked up Anne Lamott's book, "Some Assembly Required" that I've been hoping to finish, and got back in bed to read. New true love: Morning in-bed reading. Who knew?

  

  Truth be told, more so lately I want to be someone who considers herself a "good and prolific reader".  I think I've been in denial about being that person. It's like I think I do read a lot, but I do not read as much as I really have always wanted to. I would like to become someone who reads every day, devouring books that I can't get enough of, like eating excellent food with an amazing dessert to complete the meal. Yes, like most of us, I do have a stack of  "meaning to read these" next to my bed, and several "half read, gotta get back to finish them" on my bookshelves.

 Being most of my bookshelf books are non-fiction of the metaphysical/spiritual text, I find I often dip into them for a spell to gather some soul food, and then move on for another spell into another book. But, the move on part can take a month or a year or so. With my poetry books, I use these as quick-fix soul food, and this I believe is what they are meant to be. A good poem once or twice a month can last me for a solid several months. I call this dosing on poems.

 When I do drop into a book, I read fast and absorb stories somewhat viscerally. When the book is really captivating, I become a part of the story and hear the 'voice' of the author and characters in my head long after I put the book down. It's the experience of being a part of the story and that cannot be substituted by anything. Reading also makes me want to write, as when I am so taken by others art, I often want and need to express my own creativity. We are one big artistic expression experiment together after-all aren't we? May we continue to inspire one another. 

 In retrospect, some of my resistance in reading a lot was that there was a point in time in my 20's where I thought that if I read too many books, my mind would be too cluttered with other peoples thoughts and ideas about things. In elaboration, I am also one to be sort of skeptical of many others thoughts, and I simply didn't want to have so much of  'other people' swirling in me.  I also know myself to be fairly susceptible to suggestion, but would say in the same breath, I am not easily brainwashed by scientific, 'fact based' logic. 

 I am not saying people are bad or are overall too confused in their thoughts, (maybe weird, but not bad) nor that they don't have some good things to say, but in my humble opinion, overall, much of what humans think is sort of odd, and quite honestly, kinda predictable to me. That could be translated as a form of ADD, or that I'm arrogant, or interpreted that I get bored easily. Those could all be true, but I think it's mostly because I used to feel that I simply needed to keep a pure un-cluttered mind in some way so as to listen to my own self before being lead astray by others ideas. Perhaps this was my own version of self-discipline or some form of my own religion. I admire a pure mind. And, I admire those who can carve a new thought in my mind.  I also felt that some people were just readers, and some just writers, but the writers were not required to read, and the readers were not required to write. Case closed. 

 As I leaned more into my early 30's, I realize that most of our thoughts whether we want them to be or not, are gathered and influenced by other peoples beliefs, opinions, and "facts" anyways. But if we are wise in deciphering what our own truth is, we take what feeds us and spit out the rest. Maybe I just haven't given myself enough of a chance to be opened more in a way that would support my intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth at this time in my life where it seems more and more that the well needs filling.

 For this hunger in the past, and even present, I have always stayed close to the philosopher mystical poets because I feel they have a foot in both worlds, have a refreshing perception, and keep me grounded there with them. I would go as far as humbly saying that I consider myself one of them, or at least strive to be refreshing and pure in that way when expressing my creative voice. 

The philosopher/poet comes few and far between. I instantly think of my beloved Rainer Maria Rilke, the late and stunning John O'Donohue, of course David Whyte for his permanence. There's Mary Oliver for her observing depth, and I can't leave out the revolutionary poet Saul Williams too, when I think of this kind of mystical poet. I consistently find them lifting me out of times of inner complacency of thought, and easefully dipping me into a place where there is that deeper sound and slowed soul time within me. They bring me to the place of accessing that richness of truer meaning of our lives that I feel in our increasingly technological world culture, seems to want to disengage and numb us to. These poetic mystics share that meaning of the natural world, the inner landscapes of corporal existentialism, breathtaking beauty, and beyond all of that, what I feel is our real spiritual thread of the mysterious and very present divinity that connects us to ourselves and others.

 Sometimes I have even thought that I don't really know what I would do, nor how I would feel or be within myself in this ever intense world without these word smiths that have and continue to carve that resonance of what I consider a 'purity of thought' in me. They assist me in keeping close to that individual and shared heartbeat. I feel blessed by each of them for what they offer of their soul through their written and spoken words. This remembrance is essential to our survival.

 I have also just landed upon Terry Tempest Williams work, and oh my my my, have I found yet another blessing! She is something of a epiphany to me. In opening her book "When Women Were Birds",  I literally felt her words alive and awaken in me something so true that I was kind of blown away. I realized again the power of a unique and authentic written voice. In this specific book, she speaks about voice so potently, as she observes her own and the women of her lineage as well. It's like witnessing a completely secret world that only she knows exactly how to articulate. Her brilliance is blatant.

  In my current obsession, I am actually moved to find her in person, and hopefully without too much intrusion, arrive at her door, bring her a pot of black-black tea with cream, and some dark purple-blue Iris's in a mason jar. Then, in my now obvious fantasy, we would sit down on what I imagine would be a very cozy couch, or at the big wooden table I am certain she has in the open light of the dining room, and have a good thorough chat about it all. Just all of it. I would, without a doubt, let her thoughts infuse me, and I would not be so concerned about being brainwashed. In the morning, I'll Google her and see what her schedule is, and drop her a note about me bringing her hot tea and flowers.

  Yes, I am fully ready to be more inspired this next cycle of a year by the truth seekers and the wisdom keepers. The truth of parts of me forgotten, the truth of knowing that we are weaved together by stories, thoughts and feelings that can't always be experienced and shared in the outer world. It's the wisdom of the world from the inside of things when they come out through this collective story within and between pages. Ink typed in symbols of font called words on paper...... the texture and sound of pages being turned......And most of all the imagination activated at full force. May this never become a lost art.

I am acutely aware I have just learned to read for the first time......

And Then There Was Sujitha

         

                                       

  As I lingered around waiting to attend the 10am Sunday service at the Center for Spiritual Awakening in Pacific Grove, I found myself sitting on my favorite bench at Asilomar Conference Center. That bench has always been my go to refuge when I spend time in that area, since I had been to the Science of Mind conference at Asilomar over my formative youth-filled and teen years. It was a time of wonderful and insightful spiritual growth for me, as well as having connection with amazing people, and learning from prominent inspiring new thought, metaphysical speakers and teachers from all over the world. Being the 'seeker of the mystical' I was at that time (and still am!), it was certainly a little slice of personal heaven for me to have had experienced.

 That bench is a very peaceful spot for my soul, filled with the sound of the ocean and the wind moving through the dunes. It always awakens so many memories in me, and my own personal communion with the universe. I would say it is for sure one of my spiritual homes on earth. One solitary bench. Once, a few years back, I looked up to see one of my favorite poet/philosophers David Whyte stroll past me when I sat there alone. It wasn't too unusual, as I was attending one of his weekend conferences at Asilomar. But I so wanted to stop and ask him to come sit, so we could have a good conversation about life, but I chickened out. And it would have been a quintessential moment, and certainly perfect for it to have happened on that bench. 

 So, I sat and prayed there with a full heart for being blessed to be sitting there, to have peace in my heart, and also connection in my heart to myself and my source.  And of course to have compassion, and  be of loving service to myself and others in the world. It was a beautiful moment of remembering that I am never too far from the truths and blessing awaiting me in my heart.  

 When I finally arrived at the church and sat down before the service began, I saw the little collection envelope set in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of me. the envelope had an image of Lakshmi, the Hindu Goddess of wealth, fortune, and prosperity, along with a small prayer about the Eternal Mother caring for us all. The image somehow gave me comfort, so I held the envelope in my hand for the entire service and looked down at her at different points to just feel that comfort. 

 I had this moment of thinking had I gazed long enough at Lakshmi, I could possibly have a Shaktipat of sorts, that at times spontaneous mystical awakening that one can receive if they gaze at a guru's image. I of course did not know yet that something was conspiring behind the scenes that had very much to do with this image, and a few other Hindu Gods and Goddess and an awakening that would occur right before me. 

 After the rejuvenating service, I realized I needed to stop for gas for my long journey back home, so I cruised into Monterrey proper to fill up. I found a Valero gas station and pulled in.  Now, the thing you should know about me and Valero gas stations, is that over the years I usually find that when I roll into them, there is usually something suspicious going on with my car. 

 Once, I had a rolled into one only to find I had a flat tire, and another time an over heated radiator. Another was when I had forgotten my cell phone and I needed to make an urgent call. And like a beacon, there was a phone booth at the Valero just in time, where most every other place in the known Universe no longer had phone booths. Initially I had thought I should avoid Valero's altogether, because it seemed unfortunate things happened there, but realized when I thought about it more closely, that Valero gas stations were more likely the places that rescued me and my car when it was needed most. Valero does mean "Valiant" (Latin) after all, so I should have gotten the clue a little quicker! 

 Feeling the ocean breeze on my face, I filled up my tank and then went inside the station to get myself a beverage for my drive. I found and picked out the new coconut beverage I was digging, and went to the counter. There was a middle-aged East Indian woman cashier, and she had a welcoming smile. I noticed her name tag right away; Hello my name is Sujitha. 

 We said hello and in her thick Indian accent she said, "You needed a drink because it's getting hot out there!"  

"For sure!" I said, "And this drink is so good, I just recently discovered it. Do you like coconut?" I replied. 

"Yes! Yes! We offer fresh coconuts to the Gods and Goddesses in our daily prayers. I love coconut taste too." She said.

 I told her to go get a cup and I would let her try some of my drink. She was so happy to receive the offer, and immediately went to the back room and returned with a small yellow plastic coffee cup. I poured her some and she did that smell, sip, then smile thing, so I was glad the drink passed the coconut taste test. We got to chatting a bit more about offering coconuts to the Hindu Gods/Goddesses and she asked if I knew much about Hinduism and if there was a Punjabi (her specific sect) temple where I lived. I told her I did not know of one, but if I found one I would likely go check out a service or two. 

 What I realized most about talking with Sujitha, is that I felt instantly comfortable with her. We made easy eye contact, and I felt we did in fact have one of those connections you have at times with someone you meet in passing at gas stations or other "one stop probably never see that person again" type places. But those connections to me often feel sort of significant. Just an openhearted moment between two strangers. Maybe it was because I shared my coconut drink, and maybe because she shared her devotion to her religion which was interspersed with almost everything she shared with me in that 10 minutes or so. Oh, and I should mention at this point you should probably also know that the name Sujitha means "Great Conquer." 

 We soon said our farewells, and as I walked to the door I just felt it in me to turn and say "Namaste" to her along with the customary prayer hands together pose and small bow of the head. I felt it was appropriate since we had made the kindly connection we did, and because that is the formal salutation in the East Indian culture. But I will admit I also felt kind of silly after doing it! 

 Now, another thing you must know about me is that I do not use the Namaste salutation with all that many people. I think that is because I live in West County, California where it does feel blandly overused.....even though it's a lively intentional meaningful acknowledgement towards another. In its essence it means, "The divine in me bows to the divine in you." Any which way, Sujitha seemed to appreciate that extension and Namaste'd me back. I was happy, humbled, and went off to get in my car to head home.  

 When I started my car, I looked up to suddenly see her walking out of her post and directly towards me, and so I opened my car window. She smiled shyly and then said, 

"Where do you know the salutation Namaste?" (At first I thought maybe I was busted for using it!) 

Then I said, "I have learned it some from my mantra practices, and I know it's also your cultural greeting and farewell." 

 She asked if I practiced, and I told her I had learned and chanted many Hindu mantras over the years, and was also familiar with at least a couple handfuls among the thousands of God/Goddesses of her religion. Then I noticed her eyes lighting up a bit more, and suddenly we were engaged with one another again. 

 She asked if I knew Ganesha and Shiva, and I said of course! (I love me some Ganesha...the clearer of obstacles, a redemptive guiding force.) And Shiva...."The Auspicious One", and the third god of the triumvirate, the other two being Brahma and Vishnu. I will say, I felt a little self conscious when going on about mantra and the deities, but, she was kind and patient with me, and seemed to at least humor me that I knew some about it all. 

 But, I realized I did in fact know more than I had thought, easily noting who was who, what they represented, and the importance of chanting mantras. In that moment, something re-awakened inside me, which was that I am definitely drawn to Hindu spiritual culture more than most other paths or religions. This I believe is because of its smells, it's colors, sounds, deities, but mostly because of its deeply mystical aspects. Just the fact that its been around long enough to have a solid foundation of believers, being marked in written Vedic text as the oldest religion at 4,500 years of Earth age.  

 Sujitha then became quiet and her face changed. She looked me deep in the eyes, and within an instant had a forlorn, concerned expression that fell over her and she then softly says, 

"Am I ok? Am I going to be ok? What do you see for me?" 

 I was not particularly taken aback, because I am comfortable with others getting real with me should they want or need to, but realized right then that our stranger connection had shifted, and it was now at that other place where there is a vulnerable confiding happening, which often creates an instant private bubble of intimacy. I then, as also happens, I felt my heart just open to her in the intimate same way. Real human connection was happening. 

 As I looked her directly back into her eyes, I asked her what was happening for her, and why and what she needed and wanted me to "see" for her? 

She then confides, "My husband, he's been gone for three days, he's sleeping with other women. My heart is broken. I get depressed and I suffer. I am frightened that I will not be ok. Will I be ok? What do you see? What do I need to do?"

 At that point I opened my car door and stood up, all the while the car still running while we stood in front of the gas pump. And then as if I was having a vision, I began to actually see for her. And I could 'see' her and her world so clearly in those moments. I was what I call when it happens, 'taken by a vision', and I wanted nothing but good and love for her.

 I saw that her heart and mind needed rest and connection. I suggested she take care of her heart first, that she needed to do so to calm her mind and body. I suggested she do her favorite mantras. That she would do well to go connect with nature with her gods/goddesses sitting in her heart. In this vision, I saw her walking by the sea side which was just three blocks away from where we were, to fill her soul with the things that would nurture her broken heart. I let her know she was not alone, that Ganesha, Shiva, Krishna, and all of her protectors were looking over her. And with humility and friendship to offer, that I was too.

 She nodded with her head down, and had agreed that was what she needed for her self. She looked up again, and in a flurry of questions, then wanted to know what I could see about her husband. She was urgent in her inquiry. 

"Was he ok? Was he with other women and was he going to come home? Would he always do bad karma and leave her lonely? Why was he doing this?"   

 So I tried to see him in a vision too. Even though I did not know this man, I searched deep in my heart to feel him. And I did suddenly feel him, perhaps through her. I shared with her what I saw. I saw and felt that he was somewhat "lost". That he perhaps didn't know truly in what way he was hurting her, because his heart was shut down, so he could not return to her fully. I felt and saw also that he was trying to fill his own broken heart with these other women. 

 Sujitha said, "He won't look me in the eye, he hardly spoke to me before he went away for these last three days. I kept telling him do good karma, do good karma, walk with Shiva." 

 I told her I felt if she could find a way to talk with him that it could help. That if she could share her broken heart with him, it might awaken his heart with love again towards her.  I urged her again that she needed to care for her own tender heart. Whatever happens care for her heart starting now. As her eyes teared up, I stood in front of her and opened my arms and wrapped them around her. I told her she was going to be ok, that above all else I knew that.

 Even though at that point I was in a altered state, and all of this was happening very quickly right there in the parking lot, I knew she was working and she couldn't totally break down in her heartbreak as she might have needed or wanted to. I have had that feeling while working. Holding it in, but wanting to scream. So I said again that I knew in my deepest heart she would be ok, and that I should go and she should know I will be praying for her. 

 She gathered herself and asked me to park my car really quick at a parking spot across from the pumps because she had something to show me. She wouldn't let me go yet, and I went with her request. I pulled forward and parked while she went back in the gas station and returned with a large gallon zip lock baggie. The contents of the plastic bag were what seemed to be around 6 or 7 separate folded stapled packs of well used papers. She took the worn papers out and opened one stack particularly to show me pages of Sanskrit mantra text and images of the Hindu Gods and Goddesses we had spoke of earlier next to the written mantras.  

 She said she chanted them from these pages all day long, that these were her prayers. She chanted for herself and her husband over and over. Time was feeling shorter, so she went quickly through each page sharing who each was and the lesson they offered. I did know almost all of her Gods and Goddesses, as she flipped through each page pointing and telling me excitedly who was who. There was Lakshmi, Saraswati, and Krishna. There was Durga, Shakti,Kali, Hanuman and Vishnu.  

 When we got to Ganesha, she asked if I knew his mantra as she pointed to the mantra in Sanskrit next to his image, and I said yes, I did know it by heart. And so, we spontaneously and appropriately chanted it softly out loud in unison together "Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha". She asked if I would chant to Ganesha for her in my prayers, and to Shiva too. My eyes began to fill with tears, and I said I absolutely would, and that I would also chant the Gayatri mantra which was my favorite because it was the most ancient of mantras which invoked the essence of divine light and omnipotent awakening. 

 We then heard her boss calling on her and we knew that was the end of those moments together. The boss suddenly appeared next to us, and so she quickly folded her texts and was putting them back in the bag while she nervously told him she was showing me something important and would be back inside in a minute. 

 Before she went back to her post behind the counter, I told her I had something for her and went into my car and grabbed the Lakshmi envelope with the prayer on it that I had held in my hands at the service juts an hour earlier. 

She said "No, no, you keep that for you, I have many Lakshmi's around my house!" 

 But I knew I had to and wanted to give her something to hold in her hand.  I grabbed my perfectly shaped heart rock I found at the Russian Gulch river bed in Jenner and which had been sitting in my cup holder. 

 I said, "You take this, and hold it close to your heart," and put it in her palm. It fit just right. I told her I would come back and check in on her when I was in town again. She liked that idea! We had a good hug and said goodbye to one another. Namaste was now actually happening without the word spoken. 

 After that I knew Sujitha and I were complete. What I also knew in my heart was that my prayers just a couple of hours earlier were being showed to me with and through her. I had asked to be of service and to share love, I asked for that connection in my own heart, which I felt I had with this stranger who also became my teacher and a soul connection for those 20 minutes or so. 

 But, what I realized most clearly as I drove away, was that no matter what religion, chants and prayers we do, what color we are, what accent we speak, or what Gods/Goddesses we have, we are all so completely and definitely the same in what we need at times. Someone to listen.....someone to SEE for us what we might not know how to see for ourselves in those moments. Someone to have faith in and to witness us in our vulnerability and honesty. To trust another with our hearts. 

 We are human first, yet I feel we are all Ganesha's and Shiva's and Lakshmi's embodied for a moment in time-space form when another asks us to hear their prayers from their at times complex and fragile life story. And if we allow it, we are also opened and humbled at this privilege of being trusted with another's heart, as I was with her.   

 I believe that those whom we call strangers that share themselves so deeply with us....they become our gurus/teacher in that moment when we need to learn something essential as well. This lesson is offered so we can share ourselves in compassionate, open-hearted support, and be the good stewards of our larger extended human family. As the reciprocity of that human to human vulnerable honesty continues, we continue to heal the separation between us. What I know above all else is that my Shaktipat did in fact happen that day with Sujitha The Conquer.....And it happened of all places at Valero. Namaste.